When Leadership Feedback Challenges Your Authentic Self

"Pound your fists on the table. Raise your voice. Get angry. Make your point."

Yes. That was the exact feedback I received during a performance review early in my leadership career. And yes–it came from an executive who embodied that approach himself, known for his commanding presence in meetings and direct confrontational style.

The Initial Dismissal

Upon hearing this feedback, I quickly dismissed it. That wasn't me or how I showed up as a leader. Nor who I wanted to be. I've always valued thoughtful dialogue and collaborative problem-solving. Table-pounding and raised voices seemed counterproductive to the inclusive environment I was trying to create.

But something about the feedback lingered with me, despite my immediate rejection.

The Mirror Moment

After some reflection and holding a truth mirror up to myself, I realized there was something valuable buried within that feedback. The delivery method being suggested didn't align with my values, but the underlying message revealed a genuine development area:

I wasn't sharing my perspective in critical moments. I wasn't pushing back when I needed to, even when I had valuable insights. My voice was becoming nonexistent in the sea of other, more assertive leaders.

In meetings where decisions were being made, I would often listen, process, and then share my thoughts later in one-on-one settings rather than influencing the conversation in real-time. This pattern was limiting my impact and visibility as a leader.

Finding My Voice Without Losing Myself

I decided to take the core of the feedback while rejecting its prescribed method. No - I didn't pound my fists on the table. I never raised my voice. But I did consciously work to speak up. To share my perspective, even when it was an unpopular point of view. I found a way to embody the substance of the feedback while integrating it into my authentic leadership style and approach: Kind, but firm. No yelling, but more outspoken and clear about my point of view.

This required intention and practice. I prepared more thoroughly for meetings, identifying key points where my perspective needed to be heard. I practiced concise, clear statements that conveyed conviction without aggression.

Authentic Assertiveness in Action

In my next leadership meeting, when a proposal ran counter to my team's priorities and would have created significant challenges for our work, I calmly but clearly voiced my concerns. "I need to share a different perspective," I began, maintaining steady eye contact with the room. "This approach creates three specific problems for our team's current initiatives..." I outlined my concerns methodically, suggested an alternative, and held my ground during the discussion.

No table-pounding required—but my perspective was heard, acknowledged, and ultimately incorporated into the final decision.

Over time, I found other ways to assert my voice that felt authentic:

Using strategic questions to redirect conversations when I saw problems with a proposal
Leveraging data and concrete examples to substantiate my viewpoints
Creating pre-meeting alliances with key stakeholders when I knew difficult topics would arise
Adding thoughtful, direct comments in online conversations and reviews
Following up formal meetings with synthesized thoughts in writing to ensure my perspective remained part of the conversation

Picture of me, embracing my authentic self(ie)

A Framework for Authentic Feedback Integration

Through this experience, I developed a personal framework for handling feedback that initially feels at odds with my authentic leadership style:

Receive Without Reaction: Create space between receiving feedback and responding to it.
Extract the Core Message: Look beyond delivery style or specific suggestions to identify the underlying development area.
Align With Your Values: Consider how you might address the core issue in a way that honors your authentic leadership approach.
Experiment Mindfully: Test different approaches that feel authentic but stretch your comfort zone.
Reflect and Refine: Evaluate what works, adjust what doesn't, and continue evolving.

This approach has served me well beyond this single instance. When another leader suggested I needed to be "more political" (something that initially felt inauthentic), I extracted the core message about building strategic relationships and found ways to connect with key stakeholders that felt genuine to me.

The Leadership Lesson

The most valuable feedback often arrives in packaging that doesn't quite fit us. The leadership lesson? Feedback truly is a gift—but one that often requires unwrapping, examining, and repurposing to fit your authentic leadership style. The real value comes when you extract the core insight while staying true to who you are.

This balance—honoring your authentic self while continuously growing—is perhaps the most important leadership skill we can develop. It allows us to remain adaptable without becoming someone we don't recognize.

Your Turn

Have you experienced something similar? How have you transformed feedback that initially felt wrong into something that strengthened your leadership while maintaining your authenticity? I'd love to hear your stories and approaches in the comments below.

Remember: The most impactful leaders aren't carbon copies of others—they're authentic versions of themselves who never stop evolving.